Date: Sat, 2 Feb 91 08:37:56 EST
From: Scott Dorsey <kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov>
Subject: The Future of Radio Broadcasting

The following short article was written for Radio World in lieu of my regular
New Year's piece.  It was rejected, however, for fear of offending their
advertisers (who are all either owned by Sony or manufacture equipment to
increase apparent loudness).  And since it's too late for anyone else to take
it....  Hope you find it amusing...

The Next Ten Years in Radio Broadcasting:

1991:
- FCC Declares the Pubes' "Loud As We Wanna Be" to be obscene and unfit for 
  broadcast.
- Vice President Dan Quayle derides FCC for airline deregulation.
- McIntosh sued by Apple Computer for trademark infringment.  McIntosh 
  division of Clarion sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.
- Clip-O-Matic circuit for radio processing patented, claimed to completely 
  eliminate dynamic range.

1992:
- FCC declares Mozart's Grabmusik cantata to be obscene and unfit for 
  broacast.
- Bryston sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.
- Clip-o-Matic systems in use in 85% of all major market radio stations.  
  KXXX in Los Angeles declares it "Major Success."

1993:
- Rowland Research and Klipsch sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.
- Loudness wars increase: Many stations begin broadcasting pure tones to 
  increase modulation to theoretical maximum.
- Sota introduces AutoStar turntable for automotive use.  Gyro-stabilized, 
  it uses engine vacuum to ensure perfect platter-record contact.

1994:
- Bose sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.
- Digital radio broadcasting a reality: 5 experimental stations on air in 
  major markets.
- Senate Committee for Rating Amplifiers Peculiarly (SCRAP) requires audio 
  amplifier power measurements in advertisements to be made in RMS 
  dyne/seconds or British Thermal Units (heat equivalent into 8-ohm load).

1995:
- Cerwin-Vega purchased by international cocaine cartel, offers free drugs 
  with subwoofers.
- FCC declares Mozart's Posthorn Sonata to be obscene and unfit for 
  broadcast.
- IBM sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.
- All-digital Clip-o-Matic system introduced for new digital radio service.

1996:
- International cocaine cartel sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.
- KXXX Los Angles goes to 24-hour test record format, gains 24% market 
  share.
- Cryogenic fluid-state semiconductors (CFSS) become available on an 
  experimental basis.
- FCC appoints advisory committee of half-deaf rock musicians to 
  investigate "loudness wars."

1997:
- Stereophile praises CFSS circuits for having "tubelike" sound.
- Catholic church sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.  Pope angered at 
  limited availability of replacement parts.
- CBS Test record track #4 (1 KHz square wave) on Billboard Top 10 for
  record 16 weeks.
- KXXX Los Angeles sued by mother of teenager, claiming loss of hearing.
- FCC advisory committee recommends standard of 20% THD minimum for
  FM broadcasting.

1998:
- FCC declares Mozart's Great Mass in C Minor to be obscene and unfit for 
  broadcast.
- U.S. Federal government sold to Sony for undisclosed amount.  VOA 
  replaces Ampex 350 recorders with Sony DAT equipment.
- Harkinson Labs introduces first CFSS pre-amplifier.
- KXXX suit dropped: woman regains hearing miraculously when radio is 
  turned off.

1999:
- Consumer Reports claims Harkinson Labs preamp "dangerous," cites numerous 
  liquid-nitrogen injuries.
- FCC declares Ampex Reproduce Alignment Tape to be obscene and unfit for
  broadcast.
- Sony declares itself independant nation, requests free-trade status with 
  unified Europe.
- Stereophile magazine claims DAT ruins fidelity of VOA shortwave 
  broadcasts.  Meanwhile, station changes name to VOS (Voice of Sony).
- FCC removes power limit on class A stations, KXXX Los Angeles purchases 
  nuclear power plant.

2000:
- Harkinson Labs preamplifier withdrawn from production.
- Digital radio broadcast of Mozart's Great Mass in C Minor from the 
  Vatican causes 5 million converts to Catholicism.
- Sanyo corporate executives charged by the Sony Federal Courts with 
  obstruction of Sony takeover and conspiracy to remain independant.

By Scott Dorsey (WCWM-FM) with assistance from Jeff Banbury (WUOM-FM).